this isn’t really anything new. in the past few years i’ve been consistently trying to be one step ahead of whatever path i’m trying to build myself. i think on some level i believe that if i can plan it all out, it will actually work. completely disregarding any sort of extraneous events or details that could alter where i want to see myself in five, ten, twenty years is what i do best. since i’m not all that good with letdowns, my ‘one way or no way’ method isn’t exactly susceptible for happiness.
right now? i want to live in the city. as soon as i graduate, i’m heading to new york. dublin. boston. london. anywhere but the suburbs. don’t get me wrong, chelmsford is a nice town. it’s a great community to raise your kids, and as much as everyone complains about the schooling system, it really isn’t too bad. but nothing about this town is too fantastic either. i don’t see a single reason to stay here. i can find all of this and more wherever i’m headed after high school (or college, depending on where i get in). of course, the matter of family and friends comes into play here. i know for a fact that i am not going to talk to 95% of the people that surround me right now. and i am perfectly okay with that. i prefer that. things are so much simpler when you don’t have to maintain friendships and relationships. sometimes i even entertain the thought of leaving town, and completely rebuilding. in this moment, i can honestly say that i would have no problems with not talking to members of my family again. and typing that, i feel sick (only because i know that i am not supposed to feel that way). why am i so against putting effort into these kinds of things?
