i have reoccurring fantasies of packing up a few basic things that i wouldn’t be able to leave behind and heading out of town. i’m sure these thoughts cross through every teenager’s mind at one point or another, i mean, who hasn’t entertained the idea of starting over new somewhere else? somewhere completely different, where you could be subjected to so many new people and experiences. i don’t need many things to make me happy. if i were to leave, the first (and more realistic) place i would go would of course be new york city. ideally? i want to go back to london. i’m going to live there someday, i know it, but i want that day to be now.
i just told my parents that i’m not happy, and that i haven’t been in awhile. this all came about after my mom started telling me that i am not old enough or mature enough to go to a concert next week. i tried to tell them that i had to get those tickets, that one of the main reasons that i am so persistent about this is because that having something to look forward to once in awhile is a really nice thing. it makes me feel a little bit better when there is something on the horizon that i can get excited about, other than looking forward to the moment i drift off to sleep because lately that’s the most i can muster. ever since my dad got sick i’ve lost my zest towards anything but the things that can completely get me excited (mainly music related events- concerts, album releases). waking up in the same fucking situation every day to the same fucking headaches is taking a toll. i’m not usually one to dwell on the negative but i can’t help but notice that i’m not happy anymore. being with my friends makes that better because at least then i can laugh and relax, but when i go home, i close myself off. i’m just sick of living like this. i can’t live like this. if i could i would get out on my own but i know that’s not reasonable and i couldn’t bear to leave my dad behind because he is the only person on the fucking earth that i actually truly care about. but of course every day he is growing weaker and eventually i know he’s not going to be around anymore. i know that. and it hurts. when that’s looming ahead of you it’s hard to get up in the morning and be excited about what’s coming your way because nothing, no matter how good, will allow you to escape the fact that you’re going to have to say goodbye.
this video makes me want to be in love. it also reminds me of how irrevocably lonely i am.
yeah, of course this post was coming. i think a more proper heading would have been something along the lines of ‘the complete and utter lack of guys in my life’, because honestly, that would be a little more truthful. am i the only high schooler without a romantic interest? i can honestly say that there’s not a single guy in my school that i look at and think that i really want to be with them. i talk to my friends, and they’re all caught up on one person or another, and i just sort of sit there and wonder if my standards are too high, or the guys at my school just suck.
i’ll go into a bit of background information about my history with members of the opposite gender. i’ve had two boyfriends, years ago, in the 7th and 8th grade. i was really happy in my first relationship, but looking at him now, it just goes to show how people change. honestly, i wouldn’t be able to tell you one quality he still possesses to this day that he had back then. i typically don’t like to talk about this relationship because although it was my longest and more successful of the two, it lead to some serious issues with my best friend. everything was so messy back then, all because of him, and i’ll admit i was stupid when it came to dealing with it. he was my first kiss, and i don’t regret that. my second relationship was nothing particularly exciting in the slightest, and it hardly worth mentioning on here although it lasted for two months or something.
and i bring you up to now. i have a great group of friends, and i’m pretty confident with who i am. while i’m not all that caught up on having a boyfriend, it would be nice to have someone i can spend time with like that. i joke around with my friends about dating one guy (he’s a real life sheldon from the big bang theory, it’s uncanny), and while i think he’s fantastic, i don’t know if i could date someone like him. i don’t want to be the person who ‘wears the pants’ in the relationship, if that makes any sense? i’m bad with keeping up with friendships, let alone throwing in that other dimension of romantic interest. with people like him, i would constantly need to work towards building the relationship because i honestly don’t think he has that sort of perception that would allow him to do the same. then there’s another kid, a good friend of the aforementioned boy, who some seem to think has feelings for me. honestly? i don’t agree with them. he’s not much of a socialite, so they assume that since he talks to me willingly, that implies some sort of deeper meaning but in reality, it’s because i go out of my way to talk to him. he’s an interesting kid, but he tends to be ostracized and i hate seeing that.
i’m pretty sure i’m going to be in this weird middle earth of single-hood forever.
as overdone as it may sound, all i really want in this life is to be happy. to me, happiness isn’t directly related to how much money you have, or your relationship status. sure, it is difficult to manifest your own happiness. these days, it seems as though the focus is always on the negative; people are telling you what you cannot do rather than what you can do. looking past this in an attempt to secure your own joy can be a challenge, but when it comes down to it, it’s well worth it in the end.
i want to live in a city. i want to have a creative outlet and surround myself with exciting, unique people that encourage my growth as a person. i want to work a job that i’ll love doing and be excited for when i get up in the morning. is it obvious yet that all is to live the rest of my days with a smile on my face?
this isn’t really anything new. in the past few years i’ve been consistently trying to be one step ahead of whatever path i’m trying to build myself. i think on some level i believe that if i can plan it all out, it will actually work. completely disregarding any sort of extraneous events or details that could alter where i want to see myself in five, ten, twenty years is what i do best. since i’m not all that good with letdowns, my ‘one way or no way’ method isn’t exactly susceptible for happiness.
right now? i want to live in the city. as soon as i graduate, i’m heading to new york. dublin. boston. london. anywhere but the suburbs. don’t get me wrong, chelmsford is a nice town. it’s a great community to raise your kids, and as much as everyone complains about the schooling system, it really isn’t too bad. but nothing about this town is too fantastic either. i don’t see a single reason to stay here. i can find all of this and more wherever i’m headed after high school (or college, depending on where i get in). of course, the matter of family and friends comes into play here. i know for a fact that i am not going to talk to 95% of the people that surround me right now. and i am perfectly okay with that. i prefer that. things are so much simpler when you don’t have to maintain friendships and relationships. sometimes i even entertain the thought of leaving town, and completely rebuilding. in this moment, i can honestly say that i would have no problems with not talking to members of my family again. and typing that, i feel sick (only because i know that i am not supposed to feel that way). why am i so against putting effort into these kinds of things?
